A Time for Extravagance

Extravagant grace. Extravagant love. Extravagant forgiveness.

I never quite understood any of this (and still don't fully) until I read "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom. After that book, nothing in life seemed to be as bad as what she went through. My life seemed so small in comparison - my problems became "first world problems."

After my last post, some have wondered about the extravagant grace I was offering to the mother... was it too much? How can I find the room to heap grace upon someone who held the keys to save a life? It's the same reason I can heap grace onto a woman who tells me she aborted her unborn child. The same reason I think there's still hope for men and women who are currently sitting in prison. Does it make the action right? Of course not. Am I lessening the weight of sin and poor choices? Absolutely not.

The guards in Nazi prison camps did horrendous things to prisoners. They humiliated them. They beat them. They killed them. However, in the end after it was all said and done, Corrie Ten Boom, who was the ONLY survivor from her age of women in the prison camp (by a clerical error within one week's time of the mass killing), traveled around trying to rehabilitate former prisoners. She spoke of the need to forgive in hopes that everyone could live in peace once again. But then, it happened... she was faced with the first of her actual jailers. And not only that, but he approached her! Read on to find out what happened...

It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck.  He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time.  And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain-blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing.  “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein.” he said.  “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”

His hand was thrust out to shake mine.  And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them.  Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more?  Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.

I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand.  I could not.  I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity.  And so again I breathed a silent prayer.  Jesus, I cannot forgive him.  Give me Your forgiveness.

As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened.  From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

Corrie later went on to describe that moment as never knowing God's love so intensely as she did right then. His extravagant love and forgiveness. Jesus Christ has died for all of us; are we going to ask for more? Are we going to ask for more when we encounter people who sin so greatly in our eyes that we just don't have it in our hearts to forgive them?

I know of a few instances off the top of my head where I just didn't have it in me to forgive someone who had done me wrong. It hurt too much. It was too close. The wound was still fresh. But I also knew that Jesus had enough forgiveness for the both of us, and as I willingly walked it out, He did the forgiving through me and I was eventually able to say with confidence that I forgave. It wasn't quick, it certainly wasn't pain-free, and reconciliation was not always involved. But forgiveness was there, and continues to be.

Maybe I'm too much- but He was too much, first. None of us deserved it then, and none of us will ever deserve it... EVER. It's risky to offer extravagant grace, love and forgiveness. I'm positive that in this world, that kind of love, grace and forgiveness won't feel good... I might even get hurt. But I'd rather risk the triple jump in hopes that He'll help me land it, than just play it safe and barely get off the ground.

Lord, help me give what you've so readily and extravagantly given me. I'm not perfect, and I won't always get it right. I'm taking a risk right now even talking about this in public, because I'm certain that I won't always get it right. But I do know that when you tell me to love, forgive and extend grace... that you will also provide it. Amen.

It Could Happen to Me

Two days ago, I was shocked and distraught at the story I read about a one year old child who died in the backseat of a car after her mother forgot to drop her off at the babysitter's house, and then went to her husband's workplace and forgot the child was in the car (because the child fell asleep, I think). Apparently when the babysitter called three hours later to find out why she hadn't gone by, the mom rushed out to the car, but it was too late.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I relayed the story to my husband, watching the sadness on his face, as it must have been a reflection of my own. And then I read all of the comments to the story, where people accused the mother of being a monster, being on drugs, or any number of hateful things that you can think of to say to a mother who just lost her child. And I secretly sat there on the couch and hoped and prayed that nothing like that would ever happen to me... because it could.

I end each day thanking the Lord for protecting my son through my own dingbat actions or inactions. I'm thankful to just make it through each day with everyone in my family still being alive... but mostly my son, because he relies on me. That one's in my court and my husband's court. Maybe all of you moms out there have it all together. Maybe there's no chance in the world that you would ever do such a thing. But I am not like that. I don't have it all together... I barely have a tenth of it together.

Last year my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and he had surgery to remove it. He had described episodes that he was having for months before the tumor was discovered... episodes like forgetting where he was going while he was driving somewhere. Or maybe just stopping for a minute and forgetting even where he was or why he was there. I remember listening to that and thinking, "Oh, it's like mom brain." There isn't a week that goes by where I don't forget everything I own at the house, or forget where I'm driving, or wonder where on earth I left my brain. So, yeah, I've done things that would probably be considered crazy or bad mom-ish... but NEVER have I done them on purpose. And so, as I was reading this heartbreaking story, I thought, "That could happen to any of us. It could happen to me." And don't think for one second that she isn't beating herself up enough without all of the hurling insults from us onlookers.

The first year of my son's life was a total blur to me. Even 2.5 years into his life, I'm still wondering what has happened to my brain. As women, we're expected to have it all together, but I'm here to tell you that NONE OF US DO! We can pretend all we want. We can fakebook all of our glorious pictures of how glorious our kids are, and how glorious we are as parents, but behind closed doors, you know how quickly things can get crazy. Some of us work 40 hour work weeks, come home to work at home, and try to remember all that we're supposed to remember and do and be. And some of us stay home with the full-time motherhood that extends from sun up to sun down and after. I don't care whether you work or not... motherhood is HARD. So, for once, instead of holding each other up to impossible standards, why don't we just hold each other up? Why don't we create a support system and encourage each other once in a while? If I had been that mother, would you be hurling the insults at me, or insulting my mothering skills behind my back, and pretending that you have it all together and that there's no room for grace in my life? Or would you know my heart, and know that I would rather die than to see something happen to someone in my family? What about the people who wouldn't know my heart?

I don't know this mother's heart, but I do know what it's like to be a mother. My heart aches for her. And we all have room to grow as parents. Some of us just haven't seen tragedy, and some of us never will. I'm not saying that we should all be haphazard and just throw caution to the wind with our kids. But deep down in my heart, I know that there's more to this story. I hope there's more to this story. And while I don't know the details, I trust that God does. So I will not be throwing the book at this mom. You can do whatever you want. But be sure to never mess up in your own life because heaven forbid we extend a little grace to each other every now and then. And while you're at it, pray for me... because it could have been me.

Reading Nook!!!

I know my blog posts are once in a blue moon, but I try to save the good stuff for posting. Today was good stuff. I've been wanting to create a better organizational space in John Michael's room, while also creating for him a nice little reading nook (the boy loves his books). Since we were going to be in Atlanta for the 4th this year, we decided to make a pit stop by IKEA on the way home to pick up some goodies. But first, you have to see the before pictures (as much as it makes me cringe).

We still had a changing table in his room, because as much as I wish we were fully potty-trained... we're not. Luckily, that table isn't really a changing table, so I was itching to get it into the living room to have a more functional piece in there as well.

Ugh, the toys. There are soooo many toys! See that tub behind his bed? Also full of toys.

And... this isn't going to get me the "parent of the year" award, but this is real life, folks. Yes, I push-pinned a duvet cover over his window to block out the light. A momma's got to do what a momma's got to do when it comes down to nap time and no real curtain options around the house.

Michael saw somewhere where someone (like my descriptions there?) had taken some Expedit bookshelves from IKEA and turned them into benches. The bookshelves and the storage bins were easy. But as we walked around IKEA, I wondered what on earth I would do for the cushioning on top. When I told Michael to be on the lookout for a long cushion, he spotted these individual blue cushions in the dining area. He's a genius! They worked perfectly!

AND they velcro underneath to keep them in place! I tell you, a genius!

The real test was whether or not Max approved. I'd say we got two paws up!

Next was my curtain issue. I couldn't let the boy keep duvet curtains. Plus, that blue was going to clash with my new bright blue cushions. So, the original curtain that I wanted to put up in his room was crying in a closet somewhere because it was just too darned sheer for nap time. Enter light blocking panels, stage left. I laid out my curtain on top of one panel and cut the bottom off a couple of feet to leave it a tad longer than the panel.

And because the thought of pulling out my sewing machine made me want to curl up into fetal position, I stitch witched that sucka!

Attached my handy dandy clip on holders at the top... (I'm super technical).

And then I picked up the curtain with the overlapping panels and realized the panels were going to gape open in the middle.

 So, I pulled out my MacGuiver belt and safety pinned them together in a few places. Oh come on people! Anything is better than a duvet curtain!

About midway through my toy sorting, two of the Elmos threw down a stomp routine.

And then, voila! The toys were put away, the books were up on ledges (also from IKEA), some throw pillows made their debut, and the new normal curtain was up!

I just love these book ledges. I'm doing some subliminal messaging there with that purple potty book front and center. :)

Blankets and babies are ready for some snuggling!

Look at that awesome, real curtain! The panels do a FABULOUS job of blocking out the light too!

And the last little finishing touch is John Michael's art piece that he painted at Little House of Art in Atlanta this past weekend. I hope to continue to switch this piece out as he continues to create.

That's it for our reading nook! Hope you enjoyed!

A Time for Acceptance

It's funny how the Lord brings back memories to drive home a point, you know? All day long, I've been talking to Him about acceptance, and how that one little thing can make people do crazy things. I have been observing people around me, and how their striving for acceptance can sometimes make them lose sight of the world around them. I've seen myself doing it in ways that I'm not proud of. So I was asking the Lord why it is that we humans strive so much for acceptance, while sometimes stepping on others to gain it. It was quiet all day though. Maybe I was distracted.

Until I started washing my face tonight, and I was reminded of a mother/ daughter moment from Jr. High. I know you probably won't believe this unless you were friends with me back then, but I struggled a lot in the 8th grade. It just wasn't my year. I was awkward, uncomfortable with myself, slow to the good comebacks I'm now a little too privy of, and people made fun of me. I was living in a single parent home with a mother who was literally working herself to the bone while also trying to attend every single extra-curricular event my brother and I were involved in. I was extra sensitive, something I had developed in early childhood. I can remember as a child when someone in my life asked me if I was going to cry every time someone looked at me the wrong way. The answer was yes, and I knew it. I didn't want people to look at me the wrong way. My whole life revolved around doing everything I could to make people look at me the right way. But nothing I did in 8th grade made it any better. It was the only year in my entire life that I uttered the words, "I never want to go back to school there again."

My mom developed a ritual that year that I had completely forgotten about until the Lord reminded me of it tonight. She would get out the little jar of Noxema, we would cover our faces with it, and watch tv in her bed until we could no longer stand the stinging and we'd wash it off. It was something she had done with her mother, and she was passing along the tradition. The time of sting allowance gradually increased, as these moments became some of the best conversations I had with my mother growing up. We still have great conversations, but something about the Noxema drew out more than just the dirt in my pores.

I eventually made it through the awkward year, and turned into the supermodel you all know and love. (cough cough- couldn't help myself) I realized tonight that the awkward year, while I unsuccessfully strived for acceptance, helped me to become who I am today. Not only was I striving for acceptance that year, but there were others who were trying just as hard to be accepted, while keeping the spotlight on me so that it wouldn't show their awkwardness too. Sometimes we think that this is just a kids game, that junior high is the only place for such nonsense. I'm here to tell you that it's very much alive in our workplaces, homes, and churches too. There will always be a boss, and there will always be employees trying to show how great they are at the expense of others. There will always be that one family member who's easy to make fun of. There will always be cliques at work or at church, because we all want to be accepted. The problem remains that there will be that little 8th grade girl in all of us who will eventually get stepped on, or made fun of, or brushed aside... and no one will notice...

Except for the people who choose to build others up; the ones who pull out the jar of Noxema and make that trampled little one feel like they do have something to contribute, that they're beautiful and valuable. Look at how Jesus treated the least of these... THIS is our calling.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Top 10 Things I Learned in 2012

Things are getting rowdy around here tonight on New Year's Eve... spending the evening with my friends, Alka and Seltzer, the cold variety (also the PM variety, so my time is limited here). Maybe it's the seltzer talking, or maybe I'm hanging onto a pipe dream of watching the ball drop into 2013... but I started thinking back to the past year, and wanted to document the top 10 things I learned:

10. I really enjoy knowing very little about what's going on in the news. For example, when someone mentioned the fiscal cliff to me recently, I was actually glad that I knew nothing about it. What would I have done about it anyway? Plus, any major news I need comes through my Facebook feed anyway- haha. That's kind of a sad statement. Call me a millennial if you want, but the fact remains that we just don't have cable... and I'm fine with it.

9. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing as a mom. Whew, glad I got that off my chest. I'm done trying to pretend, or trying to please people in restaurants that I don't even know. Yes, my two year old plays Angry Birds on my iphone, and he's beaten my highest score. Talk under your breath about me, but I no longer care. Doing my best here, and I'm over your judgment.

8. I'm very passionate about many things in this world. But I'm not going to talk about them all the time. The only passion I may talk incessantly about is my love for my Savior. He's done too much for me and in me for me to not talk about Him. You may not agree with my passions, and I may not agree with yours. That's okay. This past year, I've learned alot about listening to differing points of view. I can't promise you that I'll ever change my position on them, but I do care about how you feel, and I do care about your point of view.

7. Tragedy happens. It's like dog poo in a slightly overgrown backyard. It's only a matter of time until it affects you personally as you walk. I will experience it. You will experience it. Sometimes you can't do anything about it. But I want to love others through their tragedies. I hope you'll do the same for me.

6. I have learned that this is the time to care about my health. Gonna do it.

5. I have learned to take mental pictures of little things. My iphone camera helps with that too.

4. I have learned that I'm a terrible listener. Gonna work on that.

3. I have learned that every job has dysfunction. There are different levels of dysfunction; there's even some ingrown dysfunction. But at the end of the day, I have to remember that we're all human, acting out of our own hurts and insecurities.

2. I have learned that forgiveness does not, in fact, mean reconciliation. I thought this was true, but struggled all year with whether or not it really was. It's true. And while reconciliation may never happen, the black marks are gone. I no longer hold myself captive, and that's nice. (See my previous post for more on this issue)

1. I have learned that I am not promised tomorrow. If I have wronged you, let me make it right today. I will hold my husband and son a little tighter, try to speak love in all circumstances, and try to live out my calling. I'm going to fail in a lot of areas. That's cool with me. I'll keep trying my best though, and with the Lord's help, I hope to make a difference in the lives of others.

Happy 2013, y'all.

What we need most

I don't know about you guys, but the Christmas season always seems to highlight the best and the worst in my life. I'm always very thankful for what I have, as the Lord seems to remind me in not so subtle ways how much He blesses us each day. In the midst of all of that though, I am also reminded of my own shortcomings. I have so much to learn, and I tend to beat myself up during the holidays for bad choices I've made, for things I wish I'd done differently, for the relationships that went sour in the past. Two Sundays ago, our pastor said that the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas has a higher suicide rate than the other 11 months of the year combined. The enemy wants nothing more than to highlight hurts and pain in our lives during the one time of year that we celebrate the birth of our Savior... a time that should be filled with joy and celebration.

Well, I choose to not fall for that anymore. The past couple of weeks at church have been a series of sermons based on forgiveness. We've only done the first two weeks, but in those two weeks, I have been so incredibly blessed and set free. So, I wanted to share with you what I've learned so that if you are holding onto some unforgiveness, you might experience release and freedom as well.

The reason it's so hard for most of us to forgive is because we have a wrong understanding of forgiveness. We think that forgiveness is somehow minimizing the seriousness of the offense, or that it means reconciliation HAS to happen, or that we must forget what happened. Forgiveness is none of those things. The offense IS serious, you don't always have to reconcile, and you certainly can't be expected to forget what happened. But the problem is, we don't think it's fair for us to have to forgive. As Pastor Chris said two Sundays ago, you don't want to go the fair route. We didn't receive what was fair when Jesus paid for our sins, died on a cross, and reconciled us to God... WHILE WE WERE SINNERS. So, why are we so harsh with others when we didn't even receive what was fair?

Something else about forgiveness is that we usually just don't think that we can do it. Well, in a sense, that's kind of correct. I read a book called "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom several years ago. At the end, she is faced with one of the very guards who had held her captive in a prison camp. And as he asked her for forgiveness, she said there wasn't an ounce of her that wanted to forgive him. It still hurt too much. So she asked the Lord to do the forgiving through her, because she knew that He was the only one who could change her heart toward this man. And as she embraced that man, she wept with a flood of forgiveness and love that she knew couldn't have come from her own flesh. We can't do the forgiving in our own power. When we begin this work, it doesn't feel like we're forgiving anything, much less anyone. But as you continue to walk it out, the Lord does a work in our hearts. I promise- I've been there. In the beginning, I couldn't go off of my own feelings. I had to just keep walking it out and choosing to forgive, and eventually I knew that the Lord had changed my heart.

There are three things you can do to walk out forgiveness for others:

1. Pray for them. It's REALLY stinking hard in the beginning of the prayer, but by the end of the prayer, you'll find yourself genuinely praying for their wellbeing because you can't truly pray for someone without turning out to love them. Matthew 5:43-44

2. Bless them. This means resisting the urge to talk badly about them. Human nature makes us WANT to talk badly about them though. But don't. If you truly want to walk out forgiveness, bless them and do not curse them. Romans 12:14

3. Do good to them. Don't give them what you think they deserve. Do good to them. Taking revenge leaves no room for the Lord to do anything. You've taken it into your own hands and decided to play God. That's prideful. It's not up to you. The Lord calls us to overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

The best takeaway I had from this lesson was three simple words: The forgiven forgive. If you really know forgiveness from Him, then you are able to forgive others.

I feel sure that there will be more on this subject, as I have just been in tears the last two Sundays at church. Don't for a second think that I am not walking this out right there with you. I am still debating on whether or not to share anything about that part of my life. For now, until I know that I know that I should, just know that this is very real to me- it's a part of my history. We can all walk this out together. I pray that the Lord blesses you through this message as much as He did me.

It's beginning to look alot like... a TRAVEL STORY!

Last weekend was all rush, rush, rush! I had to get the Christmas decorations done, the advent calendar, and pack for my trip to Virginia. Needless to say, I DID NOT watch the SEC Championship game... apparently much to the amazement of others. But, I spent some great time with JM and M and made some wonderful updates to the house to show our Christmas spirit!

I've had these since we got married, but somehow have always forgotten to get them from Selma!

John Michael is really loving the idea of an Advent calendar

This was hard to keep a 2 year old from eating while I created it!

So, after all of that was said and done, I loaded up and headed to Virginia with my co-worker, Polly. Our organization recently hired a new CEO, so we were going to meet him, attend a conference planning meeting, and accomplish some other stuff too. Polly always blames me when our travels go awry... and she's right. People say that I should pay THEM to travel with me, because flights are always delayed, or crazy things just seem to happen.

I actually thought we were doing well- only a one hour delay in Atlanta (which to me is cake compared to some of the delays I've experienced). We arrived in Virginia, and started out on the mad rush to interview new employees, make conference calls in time, etc. I was planning on just staying with my friend and co-worker, Shannon... but when we got to the office, I went in for an immediate hug and she stopped me, saying that she might still be contagious. Oh no. After much thought, I told Shannon that while I loved her, I just couldn't risk another Christmas Day in the ER if I brought sickness home to my family. I would just go with Polly to the hotel and book a room. Surely they would have a room. (Don't call me Shirley)

After a wonderful dinner out, Polly and I took Shannon's car to CVS to get us some stocking feet (because we Alabamians don't pack for winter winter... we pack for summer winter... that's what we know). After a roundabout trip to CVS (which may or may not have almost included a fight between a tow truck driver and myself- I totally would have won, by the way), we set out for the hotel. The SpringHill Suites in Ashburn is one of my favorite places to stay. I stay there alot. So, walking in felt like going home for a short visit. While Polly checked in with one of the desk attendants, I went to the other side to see if I could book a room.

Me: "Hi, I need to book a room."
Desk guy: "For how many nights?"
Me: "Two."
Desk guy: "I can book you for tonight, but starting tomorrow, we're completely full."
Me: "That's okay. I'll just move my stuff to her room and shack up with her tomorrow night."

Other desk guy: "What did you say your last name was?"
Polly: "Bennett."
Other desk guy: "Can you see if you can find Ms. Bennett? I can't find her."
Desk guy: "Sure. Ms. Bennett, do you have your confirmation number."
Polly: (Sigh) "Yes, let me find it." (Shuffles in bag... pulls out folder... opens folder... reads out numbers) "Oh wait, that's my Marriott Rewards number. No, I don't have my confirmation number."
Desk guy: "Ma'am, your confirmation number will let us know whether you're booked here, or at another one of our locations."
Polly: "I'm booked here. I even made sure to tell the person who took my reservation that it was the one by the Chik-fil-A. And she said that it was."
Desk guy: "I still need a confirmation number."
Polly: (Deeper sigh- pulls out ipad) "How do I sign into the wireless here?" (I move over to help- she gets her email up- pulls up her confirmation email)

Now, let me stop right here. Polly is our conference director, so she knows ALOT about hotels. And before I go further, I want you to know that I'm not painting her to be a rude person, or someone who gets frustrated over nothing. Polly is a "oh well, we'll figure it out" kind of gal. But she knows how hotels should be managed, how reservations should be managed, and she expects things to be run in a professional manner. These two desk attendants were the nicest guys- and they were doing everything they could to sort this out. Okay, time in.

Me: "Polly, that email isn't from SpringHill Suites. It's from Towne Suites."
Silence.
Polly: "Well, here's my confirmation number." (Reads off numbers)
Desk guy: "That is not a SpringHill Suites confirmation number."
Polly: "Yes, I realize that." (turns to me) "You know what this is?"
Me: (Silent, scared to speak)
Polly: "Language barrier. I couldn't understand a word that woman said on the phone. And I kept repeating to her, 'Now, this is the one on 7 across the street from the Chik-fil-A, right?' and she kept saying, 'Yea, Yeah' (in what I think was supposed to be an Indian accent) But, clearly she had no idea, booked me at the wrong hotel, and now we only have a room for one night! (to desk guy) I need a room for this ENTIRE WEEK!"
Me: (looking at the email, trying to hold in laughter) "Yes, this is by the airport here, this hotel where you're booked."
Polly: (to desk guy) "Please call that hotel and cancel my reservation. Book us a room for tonight, and I'll figure this out tomorrow."

So, we get a room, and we get up in the room, and I cannot stop laughing. I realize that me laughing in a situation like this does nothing to actually help the situation, but come on! It was so funny to observe this whole transaction taking place. Polly said, "It's not funny, Kay." And I said, "But it really is, Polly. I mean, this is the stuff blogs are MADE OF!"

The next night, we stayed with separate co-workers, and I think Polly continued that for the rest of the week. I have laughed retelling that story a couple of times. I think maybe Polly will laugh at some point about it. I did get a smile out of her that night in the room. And if it helps, I lost my phone charger on the trip, so if you want to say that I got mine, go right ahead. ;)

I got home Wednesday night, loved seeing my boys again, and worked yesterday. No matter how little time I'm gone though, it always seems like my boys grow up exponentially while I'm gone. For instance, Max looked a little older to me yesterday...

Like a grandpa, in fact

And John Michael was excitedly playing with one of his toys he got from the Advent calendar last night. I don't know that I've seen him get this excited about a toy before. The quick laying on the floor to talk to the snowman is my favorite part! I can't wait to see how he responds on Christmas morning! (Oh, and his birthday is this weekend, too!)

Hope you all are slowing down this season to enjoy the little things, and to remember the reason for the season. If you're interested, Michael is writing some on the meaning of Christmas, including some personal stories and things he's learned from the Lord along the way. Chock full o' goodness.